The Humor Thread


 
In the words of the great Sheridan Whiteside...”I May Vomit.”
Showing a bit of age here but, if you are “legitimate stage” fans, you get it.
If not, watch “The Man Who Came to Dinner”.
 
I had a blind date last night but I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation. It’s called “Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date.
If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?” It works every time, no worries.

So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning! But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.
She answered it and said, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
 
Bob Correll said:
I had a blind date last night but I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation. It’s called “Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date.
If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?” It works every time, no worries.

So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning! But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.
She answered it and said, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
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A friend of mine called me a few months ago just before he went on a date with a woman he'd never met. "Can you send me a text at about x:30?"

I've also had the reverse sort of thing in mind, that if someone doesn't interact with the application by a certain time, emails or texts go out.
 
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A man is in bed with his wife... He slides his hand slowly across her shoulders... across her waist.. under her neck... below her neck... under her back.. and then suddenly STOPS! Wife: (in a romantic voice) "Why did you stop?"

"I got the remote, you can go back to sleep now."
 
Getting Older

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough to eat on just one.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse!

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, “Life in prison” is less of a deterrent.

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread isn't done in the middle.”
Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, but all the others were nines and tens. Think about it for a minute...

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is sure taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just "googling" how to do stuff.

I miss the 90’s...bread was good for you and few people knew what kale was!

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have some new ideas.

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started!

Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test... same thing.
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