The Humor Thread


 
Phil Perrin said:
Front, I think! :D
Click to expand...
IMO, front ones are the best!

post-198959-14074112901611_thumb.jpg
 
Words to Live By....

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

Cop: "Please step out of the car." Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.


Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why? What did you hear?"

I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That will freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out from
nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
 
Rich Dahl said:
Words to Live By....

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

Cop: "Please step out of the car." Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.


Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why? What did you hear?"

I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That will freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out from
nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Click to expand...

I can relate to a lot of these! :p
 
Rich Dahl said:
Words to Live By....

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

Cop: "Please step out of the car." Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.


Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why? What did you hear?"

I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That will freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out from
nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Click to expand...

Thank you Rich...printed out and posted on fridge 'cause there ain't no way I'll remember ANY of these....:confused:
 
Gran Marquis de Sade is what I called mine. I really hate the jelly bean ones. That 4.6 V8 is an oil burner and head gasket eater. The old ones with the old 302 CI pushrod V8 were the best. Supreme ride and comfort, 25 to 28 mpg highway, even when cruising at 90 mph!
 
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