The Humor Thread


 
In a foreign country a priest, a lawyer, and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens.
He declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he's let go.

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade.
He claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine.
He looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."

 
DOGGIE.thumb.jpg.b47d08c812ff1c7d7640f9e675f6d26b.jpg
 
Brian_D said:
Click to expand...

Every year I tell my kids that Santa gets milk and iced and decorated sugar cookies at millions of houses. So much so that he would likely greatly appreciate oatmeal cookies (no raisins) and a glass of 15 year old single malt scotch. They ignore me every year.
 
The 16 Commandments of Growing Old


#1 - Talk to yourself, because there are times you need expert advice.

#2 - Consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop ****ing you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - You have days when your life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7 - These days, "on time" is when you get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller ?

#10 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why you're there.

#12 - When you were a child, you thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

#13 - Some days you have no idea what you're doing out of bed.

#14 - You thought growing old would take longer.

#15 - Aging sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#16 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never do
 
Rich, God, did you hit the nail on the head. Can relate to every single one. (what a shame lol)
 
Rich Dahl said:
The 16 Commandments of Growing Old


#1 - Talk to yourself, because there are times you need expert advice.

#2 - Consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop ****ing you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - You have days when your life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7 - These days, "on time" is when you get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller ?

#10 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why you're there.

#12 - When you were a child, you thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

#13 - Some days you have no idea what you're doing out of bed.

#14 - You thought growing old would take longer.

#15 - Aging sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#16 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never do
Click to expand...

Joan said:
Rich, God, did you hit the nail on the head. Can relate to every single one. (what a shame lol)
Click to expand...

Sweet Mother of Pearl, TRUTH.

Although I have been saying for years that I have to grow old, but I don't have to grow up.
 
Just remember...... gettin' the dishwasher loaded...
.
.
.
.
.
Does not mean takin' the wife out for drinks.
 
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