The Humor Thread


 
LMichaels said:
I posted this because lately in our area which is semi rural people are getting all up in arms because they see a coyote now and then. Some call 911, they call it in to the news depts of the TV stations and so on. So I came across this and found it hilarious


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I saw one of them rascals last night walking down the train tracks. I thought it was a German Shepard at first.
 
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So my family is basically half Irish, half Scottish. One of my Scottish uncles used to tell this one at parties back in the day. Might be a bit racy, but what the ****. You'll have to imagine the accent.

A tipsy Scotsman heads home after an afternoon at the pub. Tired, he lays down to rest on a lovely hillock in the afternoon sun. Hours later, as the sun is setting, two young female tourists come ambling by and see the man sleeping. The ladies look at each other and ask, "Do you think it's true that a Scotsman never wears underwear beneath his kilt?" Curious, one of them quietly approaches and slowly lifts the man's kilt.

Lo and behold, in all his glory, the Scotsman is indeed bare beneath his kilt.

The ladies giggle. One removes a blue ribbon from her hair. Gently, she places it beneath his kilt, atop his member. She covers it back up with his kilt, and together they move on into the fading light, laughing lightly.

Two hours later, the Scotsman awakes, yawns, and reaches down to scratch himself, whereupon he finds the ribbon. With glee he cries aloud:

"Well, I don't know where you've been, laddie, but I see you won first place!"
 
TCampbell said:
So my family is basically half Irish, half Scottish. One of my Scottish uncles used to tell this one at parties back in the day. Might be a bit racy, but what the ****. You'll have to imagine the accent.

A tipsy Scotsman heads home after an afternoon at the pub. Tired, he lays down to rest on a lovely hillock in the afternoon sun. Hours later, as the sun is setting, two young female tourists come ambling by and see the man sleeping. The ladies look at each other and ask, "Do you think it's true that a Scotsman never wears underwear beneath his kilt?" Curious, one of them quietly approaches and slowly lifts the man's kilt.

Lo and behold, in all his glory, the Scotsman is indeed bare beneath his kilt.

The ladies giggle. One removes a blue ribbon from her hair. Gently, she places it beneath his kilt, atop his member. She covers it back up with his kilt, and together they move on into the fading light, laughing lightly.

Two hours later, the Scotsman awakes, yawns, and reaches down to scratch himself, whereupon he finds the ribbon. With glee he cries aloud:

"Well, I don't know where you've been, laddie, but I see you won first place!"
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Wrote a song about it: The Scotsman by Bryan Bowers


From the comments:

Three old Scottish wives were walking along the road when they spotted a pair of legs sticking out from under a kilt. It appears a drunken man had fallen asleep in the ditch with his head under a bush. One of the women grabbed a stick and lifted the kilt.

"Well, that's not my husband," she said.

The second woman grabbed the stick and lifted the kilt. "No, it's not," she said.

The third old wife grabbed the stick and lifted the kilt and said, "He's not even from our village."
 
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Now some important philosophical questions on life .......Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

EVER WONDER... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...

We all need to smile every once in a while.
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Dumb dad joke du jour. My wife banned me me from them for a week now.

What do you get when you throw a bright orange rock into a shimmering blue sea??













A wet rock.
 
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