The Humor Thread


 
I really would like to see the subject matter changed here. :rolleyes:
I'll go first:
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
 
I'm an optimistic pessimist, I'll give you an example of what that is.

When the defecation hits the rotary oscillator I'll most likely be standing in front of the fan.
 
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
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I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job
.I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
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And assumes that we may not already be afflicted with one (or more) of those conditions......

It has to be 5:00 PM SOMEWHERE!!!!!!
 
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
 
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