The Humor Thread


 
Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer.”
The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, “How long were you married?” He answered, “24 years.” “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, St. Peter asked. The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times … but you said I was forgiven.” St. Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”
The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out.” St. Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Lincoln.”
The third guy walked up and said, “St. Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!” St. Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”
A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, “I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!”
 
So, The 12-Year Old Female Child To Whom I Am Related By Marriage ™️ was sitting with me in the backyard recently, watching me get ready to cook a steak for the first time on my new Performer.

Child: Hey, "B" (her nickname for me), do you like your birthday present?
Me: Oh, yes, darling. You know I've been eyeing these grills for years!
Child: You know, "Dad" (said with sarcasm dripping from her voice as she and her birth-father have a terrible relationship) has a Weber Kettle, one of the smaller ones.
Me: He does? I didn't know that.
Child: Yeah. He knows less about it than you do and you just got yours. I've never once had a hamburger at his house that was actually done. Let me know when dinner's done...

Oof. :ROFLMAO::LOL::love::blackperformer:🥩🥩

...and off she went to text her friends...

I'm using this interaction as her way of saying "love you, mean it." LQTM

BTW...the line "The 12-Year Old Female Child To Whom I Am Related By Marriage ™️", while a gag lifted from Tony Kornheiser, is something I do to keep the guy off my back. He has filed legal challenges against me calling her anything that ends with "daughter". Seriously.
 
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