The Humor Thread


 
True story.
So two months ago My neighbor bought a boat.
I said " Hey nice boat"
He said Thanks' but my old lady is POed because she thinks it's gonna sit in the driveway and take up space.
No worries he says cause it's gonna get a lot of use.
Boat hasn't moved since then.
 
C Lewis said:
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Man...... true story time.

I was on a business trip with 2 women where I worked (based in MI.) One of them did get promoted up to a vice presidential position. Both of them were always dressed to the nines and were high in the company and well respected. After eating breakfast in the hotel restaurant (west of Nashville, just off the interstate,) as we were paying the bill at the cashier, the cashier remarked the the ladies' outfits where pretty chick. This did confuse the women very much, until I pointed out on the way over to the plant that the cashier really meant "chic" (pronounced "sheek",) but I'd be willing to bet that she'd either never heard it pronounced properly, and had probably only read it.
 
Here's a quick true story/blonde joke - (my wife's a blonde, as is my daughter, so I get to tell these jokes and stories).

My wife and I were in a small jewelry store, shopping for a new watch. We were looking at several different models and taking our time when a two blondes walked in with a small bag of jewelry. The outfits, makeup, and hair fit the blonde joke stereotype (like, totally). Since the place was so small, we couldn't help but overhear their conversation with the jeweler, that went like this;

Jeweler: Can I help you?
Blondes: Yeah.... we were hoping you could, like, look at this jewelry
Jeweler: You mean give you an appraisal?
Blondes: Yeah, we like, want to know what it's worth
Jeweler: OK, no problem - where did you get the jewelry?
Blondes: From our great aunt
Jeweler: Oh, did she pass away?
Blondes: Yeah kinda
Jeweler: (Speechless).

My wife and are still laughing about it...and wondering what "Kinda Passed Away" means
 

i heard this years ago…..still think it’s funny,​

​

A dad buys a lie detector robot and it slaps anyone who lies​

The dad asks his son, “where were you today”?
And the son says, “at school” and the robot slaps him.
Then the son says “ok, ok, ok,... I was watching Kung Fu Panda”. Then the robot slaps him again.
So the sons says “fine...I was hanging out with a girl. And the dad goes “what?” “You’re too young to hang out with girls” “I never hung out with girls at your age” and the robot slaps him.
Then the mom starts laughing and says “well he is your son after all” and the robot slaps her.
 
timothy said:
True story.
So two months ago My neighbor bought a boat.
I said " Hey nice boat"
He said Thanks' but my old lady is POed because she thinks it's gonna sit in the driveway and take up space.
No worries he says cause it's gonna get a lot of use.
Boat hasn't moved since then.
Click to expand...
When we bought a lot in this neighborhood we bought a boat slip with my wife’s idea of buying a boat after our house was built. Our kids had friends whose parents took their kids and ours on a boat ride four days in a row. When their friends called to go on a boat ride after that they never went again.
Our neighbors wanted to sell us a boat that was a year old but was only used once.
Needless to say, I sold the boat slip.
 
Jeff Boudman said:
When we bought a lot in this neighborhood we bought a boat slip with my wife’s idea of buying a boat after our house was built. Our kids had friends whose parents took their kids and ours on a boat ride four days in a row. When their friends called to go on a boat ride after that they never went again.
Our neighbors wanted to sell us a boat that was a year old but was only used once.
Needless to say, I sold the boat slip.
Click to expand...
"The two happiest days in a boat owner's life are the day he buys it, and the day he sells it."

I was very fortunate when I was living in MI, there were several sailboat owners among the people I worked with. I ended up with standing invites to go racing on Wednesday night, and some of those came from other boats (including a national class gold medal winner...)
 
A passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder.
The driver screams, swerves, nearly hits a bus, and stops inches from a shop window.

"Man, you're awfully jumpy, aren't you? I only tapped on your shoulder"

"Sorry", says the cabbie, "It's my first day. I've been driving a hearse for the last 20 years"
 
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