The Humor Thread
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Joe Anshien
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Bill F in Ontario
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Tim Campbell
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Sorry. Another longer one.
A duck with a newspaper walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich. The bartender exclaims, "But you're a duck!"
Duck says, "I can tell your eyes are working."
Barkeep says, "And you speak perfect English."
Duck says, "Well I can tell your ears are working, too." Mildly upset, the duck whips open his newspaper and starts reading.
Barkeep says, "And you can read?!"
Duck says, "Of course I can read. I'm educated. Now if you don't mind, I'd just like to get my meal and read in peace. I only get 45 minutes for my lunch break."
Bartender replies, "Of course. I'm sorry. Be right there. But, you have a job??"
Duck says, "Yeah. I'm a plasterer. I'm working on that new site across the street."
Minutes later, the bartender brings the Duck a ham sandwich and a beer. The duck eats his meal, drinks his beer, pays and leaves.
This goes on for two weeks. Same meal, everyday.
On the 15th day, the circus rolls into town. The ringleader, a fairly ruthless man, shows up at the same pub and orders lunch.
The bartender says, "Hey, I think I've got a great act for your circus. See, there's this duck who eats here everyday. He loves ham sandwiches and beer. He can also talk, read, and holds a job as a plasterer. He eats here every day and tips generously. You just missed him."
Excited, the ringleader exclaims, "Seriously? That sounds absolutely perfect. Here's my card. The next time you see him, let him know I've got a spot for him." He pays and leaves.
The next day the Duck shows up for lunch. Bartender brings the duck his food and beer and says, "By the way, the circus is in town. The ringleader says he has a spot for a literate, employed, talking duck."
Duck says, "The circus, eh? Isn't that a traveling entertainment show?"
"Yes, it is," says the barkeep.
"And don't they basically exploit animals for money?"
"Well, sort of," says the bartender.
"And tell me, do they give the animals just enough food and water to keep performing every day? Do they use whips and sometimes mistreat the animals??"
"Well...I guess so. Sometimes."
"And do they also feature human freak shows, contortionists, and trapeze artists?" says Duck.
"Ummm...yeah, kinda," replies the barman.
"And tell me," continues the duck, "is this circus full of canvas tents, metal cages, and cheap plastic toys?"
"Ahh...yeah, that's basically the deal," replies the dejected bartender.
The duck finishes his sandwich, his beer, and folds his newspaper. He pays and says to the barkeep:
"What I don't get is why the **** they would want a plasterer."
A duck with a newspaper walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich. The bartender exclaims, "But you're a duck!"
Duck says, "I can tell your eyes are working."
Barkeep says, "And you speak perfect English."
Duck says, "Well I can tell your ears are working, too." Mildly upset, the duck whips open his newspaper and starts reading.
Barkeep says, "And you can read?!"
Duck says, "Of course I can read. I'm educated. Now if you don't mind, I'd just like to get my meal and read in peace. I only get 45 minutes for my lunch break."
Bartender replies, "Of course. I'm sorry. Be right there. But, you have a job??"
Duck says, "Yeah. I'm a plasterer. I'm working on that new site across the street."
Minutes later, the bartender brings the Duck a ham sandwich and a beer. The duck eats his meal, drinks his beer, pays and leaves.
This goes on for two weeks. Same meal, everyday.
On the 15th day, the circus rolls into town. The ringleader, a fairly ruthless man, shows up at the same pub and orders lunch.
The bartender says, "Hey, I think I've got a great act for your circus. See, there's this duck who eats here everyday. He loves ham sandwiches and beer. He can also talk, read, and holds a job as a plasterer. He eats here every day and tips generously. You just missed him."
Excited, the ringleader exclaims, "Seriously? That sounds absolutely perfect. Here's my card. The next time you see him, let him know I've got a spot for him." He pays and leaves.
The next day the Duck shows up for lunch. Bartender brings the duck his food and beer and says, "By the way, the circus is in town. The ringleader says he has a spot for a literate, employed, talking duck."
Duck says, "The circus, eh? Isn't that a traveling entertainment show?"
"Yes, it is," says the barkeep.
"And don't they basically exploit animals for money?"
"Well, sort of," says the bartender.
"And tell me, do they give the animals just enough food and water to keep performing every day? Do they use whips and sometimes mistreat the animals??"
"Well...I guess so. Sometimes."
"And do they also feature human freak shows, contortionists, and trapeze artists?" says Duck.
"Ummm...yeah, kinda," replies the barman.
"And tell me," continues the duck, "is this circus full of canvas tents, metal cages, and cheap plastic toys?"
"Ahh...yeah, that's basically the deal," replies the dejected bartender.
The duck finishes his sandwich, his beer, and folds his newspaper. He pays and says to the barkeep:
"What I don't get is why the **** they would want a plasterer."
JimK
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Joe Anshien
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