Dear <deity>...... I'd be having some rather pointed conversations then. There are some serious questions that need to be asked, not the least of which would be "are you looking at the right patient profile and EHR?" I probably need to stop, or I'm gonna get up on a soap box, and Chris is gonna come by and tell me to knock it off (properly so, I might add.) Ya know....... as much as I'd hate to spend the money out of pocket..... think about getting copies of your chart, records & orders, and take those to a completely different office for a second opinion. The more I look at your post, the more questions I have.
Now, for the really important question. I'd say charcoal, and get that steak down as close to the coals as you can. Unfortunately....... you're probably limited to either gas, or a range top these days.